if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize