I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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