He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
