I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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