hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
