does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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