I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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