feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
