I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize