It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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