i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
