how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
