I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
