Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
