I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
