I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I can't turn off my feet"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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