Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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