LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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