Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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