i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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