I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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