There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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