first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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