The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
