She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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