Your face is a jimmy john
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
