i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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