why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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