He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We are all done wearing pants today
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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