I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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