if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
