i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
