Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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