What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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