you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
