I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
