She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm like, not good at living.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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