I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
COCAINE IS GR8
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