i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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