Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
