This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
