im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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