OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
