ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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