Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
