you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
