youre lurking in front of me
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
