She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
