genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
