oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
