After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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