Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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