Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I got inside last night via doggy door
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
