Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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