Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
