Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
