I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
