I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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