Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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