I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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