We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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