Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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