her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Are my feet made of real feet?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
