I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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