i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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