I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Two words: blizzard sex
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
not ubering you a puppy
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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