Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
