I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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