youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
