Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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