im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
there is glitter all over my balls
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
