his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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