I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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