I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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