You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
