you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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