I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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