the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
