Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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